One more month. That’s all we had left in us – financially and physically. With the monthly costs of health and wellness, drugs, doctor visits, medical tests, pregnancy tests and ovulation kits, we were thousands of dollars deep into this.
Additionally, I was not physically responding well to the hormones. Despite my constant monitor of caloric intake, I was gaining weight. Moods and down-right bitchiness ruled my days, night sweats and terrors ruled by nights. My anxiety was at an all-time high and the side effects were taking a toll.
As I drove to work one day, in the middle of non-stop 60 mile-per-hour traffic, I had a full-blown anxiety attack and felt like I was fainting…while driving…60 miles per hour. This (figuratively) stopped my heart in its tracks. The attacks carried on with no possible control for the months following. Driving, sitting in client meetings, flying – you name it, I was having fainting and blackout moments continuously.
We decided to give this one more shot with IUI. You may ask if we considered IVF. We didn’t. The cost was too great to afford and to rationalize due to our many failed attempts and the comparable money spent to date. Writing that large of a check and having a possible negative outcome would have sent us to an asylum. At this point, we knew that the following month would be our last month of “trying” medically speaking.
I’d detail out the experience for you, but I honestly don’t remember it. It’s like I blocked it out. My mind has recalled so much of the pain from this journey that it could not contain it. The sadness consumed me when the outcome was the same as the previous month. The details, the response, the pain – all the same. I felt paralyzed with emotions.
I left work that day, too consumed by sadness to carry myself through one more agonizing moment. I don’t know how I drove home that day, tears filled my eyes to the point of not being able to see. Everything was going hazy, blurry, and incoherent.
As I arrived home that day, I laid on the living room floor praying for a response, an answer to my question of why. I was literally on my face demanding a justified reason. Throughout this journey, I stayed steadfast in my belief that I would be a Mother - that was the one thing in life I was meant to accomplish. My Faith grew through this journey relying upon the comfort of the one Being that knew my pain and comforted me. I held steadfast knowing that my true sadness was coming from not understanding and not knowing why we weren’t successful.
Physically, there is nothing wrong with us. Travis is an over-producer (and his wife an over-sharer, apparently). My lady/baby parts are mostly ideal. Everything is in place as it should be. There isn’t a striking reason why this should not happen.
We cried throughout the night as if we were mourning a loss. I haven’t shed tears or felt such strong tremors of pain since losing my Grandfather. I could feel my heart breaking and my body shutting down.
That night, I felt like I had lost more than just this month’s baby, rather I felt like I had lost a dream, a lifelong image of what my life would be. It was the stark reality that the life we had worked towards for so many years, was suddenly not the path ahead. There was a cold, gnawing pain in the pit of my soul that warned me of this.
Then next morning, the answer to came calling at 7:45am.
Part 11: changes.
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