Support during this time was difficult. It seemed like there was no one to really talk about this with.
If you were someone who hadn’t started trying for a baby, I didn’t want to scare you. If you were someone who had gone through this and were unsuccessful, I didn’t want to face those facts. I didn’t want to turn to the internet and scare/depress myself. If you were someone lucky to have a child, then you couldn’t really sympathize with me unless I explained it like this…
Imagine that you know you have a child; you know they are out there. Now imagine that you cannot be with them. Imagine that you have every ounce of your body and home ready for them and they are not a part of your life. Imagine the sadness that pours through your soul at the possibility that you will not meet them. Imagine a constant physical and emotional pull towards them, but you cannot see them.
In all honesty and hindsight, I don’t know that I was able to be supported during this time. This was the one thing that every female is allegedly suppose to be able to do - reproduce. This felt so internal, yet so unimaginable. This is not how I dreamt my life would be. I, sort of, banked my life on the idea that I would have a child. It seemed like the easiest, most natural thing that was supposed to happen. Who knew this would be...hard?
During all of this, I was aware that others were hurting too, but I couldn’t rationalize it. Friends were sad for us, family prayed for us and our parents genuinely cried for us. They knew the pains we felt, the realities that sat in the back of our minds.
Travis tried to be supportive during this time, but he was going through his own emotions too. He offered support in his own, kind, way. He held me when I hurt, distracted me when I had tunnel vision, talked when it was the right moment and got angry when I needed someone to be angry with. All of this he did as he put his own sadness aside.
And he never ever said… "when you don’t think about it, it will happen.” Folks, this is number one wrong thing you can say to a person in this situation. Why? Because there is no way to stop thinking about it, no matter how hard you try it is always there. If the thought isn’t there, there’s someone announcing they are pregnant, someone walks by with a baby or someone complains about their kids/baby/etc via social media. There are babies everywhere and in this situation, you are hyper-sensitive towards it. You cannot escape the “crazy” as I call it – not while you are in the trenches.
This “crazy” was changing my life. I no longer enjoyed anything and focused on a life of without, than a life of with. I could feel my mind shaping around this process and thoughts. I was so in-tune with my body that I felt everything – from a bubble of air moving within me to the full process of ovulation. “Crazy” was turning into my worst nightmare, insanity.
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