If you are just starting to read this blog, you should start at square one.
Since sitting next to each other at our job together, Travis and I have dreamt of living “away” from Oklahoma City. In fact, it is something that brought us so close that we had no choice but to fall in love. It felt like a destiny waiting to be filled and an unachievable dream, at the same time.
My boss called me on the way to work that sweaty July morning.
It was 7:45am and I was enduring my monotonous drive to work. Sitting on Portland Avenue, dumb-founded and in shock, I received the call. My counterpart in our Durham office had been unexpectedly deployed. She wasn’t supposed to be, but someone else had extenuating circumstances that forced her into the position to fight for our country, again.
We turned down this opportunity just a short year before, choosing to stay in our home and start a family. Ironic, considering the day following our last chance at this dream, I received a call offering a position in Durham, again. With traffic standing still, providing me a moment to think about it, I felt in my gut that this was the path laid out before us, the one chosen for us to take. Travis agreed whole-hearted. The answer to our prayers.
This was the move that we called our God move. We put all of our natural fears and trepidation within Him and followed what we felt we were called to do – despite it being so far from our comfort zones. Each decision was made with ease and literally, everything fell into place. It was as if it was a row of pristine dominoes were set to fall perfectly, one on top of the other.
It’s been 10 months since that decision was made. It has been a nice distraction from the perils that consumed our hearts and minds.
After stepping out of the tunnel-vision, I can’t say that I’m surprised that we didn’t get pregnant. Our minds, particularly mine, were so consumed with the end goal that we missed the forest for the trees. It feels as if we were holding our breath for two years, forgetting to breathe. Forgetting to live.
As I drove home from work last June, I thought of what pep-talk I would give myself. What would the real me say to the hormone-sadness-induced me? She’d say, “This isn’t your story. You are bigger than this and this is but a chapter leading to the next that shows a tale of survival, of living. You are not defined by this and your love is not dependent on producing a child. You are going to push through this and realize that there is sunshine on the other side of these clouds.”
Life is in general a struggle of choices, its how we choose to harness and empower those choices that make us who we are and what we stand for. This is not the story that defines me or my love.
I’ve (we’ve) pulled ourselves up by the boot straps. Now what?
The lifetime planner and the fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants husband have to ask themselves what they want for their lives. We have chosen and accepted a new journey, a new adventure, a different way to look at life. We remember that all things, big or small happen for a reason.
We live.
Note: I wrote this "mess" section as a way to heal my heart, to take control of and purge the feelings that once consumed me. After the months have passed, I'm happier and healthier. Together, Travis and I are looking forward and realizing that life is a journey, not a destination. Cliche as it may be, it's true. If our thoughts are what consumes us, then I'm happy to have completed this chapter of my life, to put these sad thoughts behind us. Onward and upward. Who knows what life will bring us...
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